TEST YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Open communication is an essential part of any healthy relationship. Sometimes, getting what we want from our partner is as simple as clearly conveying what we need. Take our thoughtful quiz to find out if you and your partner are truly on the same page when it comes to the issues that are most important to you and your relationship.

For each statement below, select the response that best describes your feelings.

1. Strongly disagree/not relevant
2. Disagree 
3. Neutral
4. Agree
5. Strongly  agree

Note: If a statement is not applicable to you, select 1.

1. Staying in Touch
 1 2 3 4 5
I wish…
         
... my partner would ask me questions about myself.
... I could tell my partner I want to spend more time together.
... it were easier to simply talk to each other.
... I could ask my partner to listen to my worries.
           
           
2. Managing Disagreements 1 2 3 4 5
I wish…          
... my partner could bring up problems without criticizing me.
... I could bring up problems without him/her getting upset.
... my partner wouldn't withdraw when we disagree.
... we could handle our disagreements without big fights.
           
           
3. Romance 1 2 3 4 5
I wish...          
... I could ask my partner to be more affectionate to me.
... my partner would express love toward me in words.
... we could talk about how we rarely touch each other.
... I could tell my partner I've stopped feeling romantic.
           
           
4. Sex Life 1 2 3 4 5
I wish…          
… I could tell my partner I'm dissatisfied with our love life.
… we could talk about wanting different things sexually.
… I could tell my partner I'm not sexually attracted to him/her.
… I could talk about my partner not being attracted to me.
… we could talk about the lack of passion between us.
           
           
5. Attraction to Others 1 2 3 4 5
I wish…          
… I could tell my partner that I'm attracted to others.
… I could talk to my partner about his/her flirting.
… I could talk to my partner about his/her jealousy.
… we could talk about my partner's extramarital affair.
… we could talk about my extramarital affair.
           
           
6. Values and Goals 1 2 3 4 5
I wish…          
… we could talk more openly about spiritual matters.
… we could talk about differences in our life goals.
… we could talk about differences in our values.
… we could talk about our religious beliefs.
           
           
7. Household Chores 1 2 3 4 5
I wish…          
… I could tell my partner I resent doing all the chores.
… I could ask my partner to share running the house with me.
           
           
8. Power 1 2 3 4 5
I wish…          
… I could be honest about my partner being domineering.
… I could tell my partner I don't feel respected.
… I could ask him/her to play a bigger part in our decisions.
           
           
9. Finances 1 2 3 4 5
I wish…          
… I could talk about my partner's excessive spending.
… I could tell my partner not to be so miserly.
… we could talk about how to spend or save our money.
… I could ask my partner to make more money.
… we could talk about my excessive spending.
           
           
10. Having Fun 1 2 3 4 5
I wish…          
… we could talk about not having enough fun in our lives.
… we could talk about me being too stressed to have fun.
… we could talk about my partner being too stressed.
… we could talk about how different our interests are.

    Your Score:

Results

Men 92 or lower
Women 142 or lower

Congratulations! You resemble married men and women who report high levels of happiness. Openness helps make your marriage strong.


Men 93 - 103
Women 143 - 153

You are similar to people who are relatively happy in their marriages. Keep up the good work. Appreciate the areas where you scored especially well.


Men 104 - 115
Women 154 - 164

You could improve the openness in your relationship. Look at the areas where your score was high. These are topics you need to address with your partner.


Men 116 or higher
Women 165 or higher

Your marriage may be in serious trouble. If this scares you, you probably care enough to get help.

How to Talk
If you've avoided talking about a particular area of your life, the subject is probably sensitive for you both. Here are three strategies to help you step around landmines:

Softened start-up
When you introduce a topic, do so gently. Avoid attacks like "You waste all your time on the house and ignore me." Instead, say, "I feel out of touch with you. I miss you. How can we spend time together?"

Editing out the negative
Whenever your partner responds angrily, edit out your own negative response and substitute a neutral one: "I don't see it that way, but I can understand how you might."

Accepting influence
No matter what the tone of any request your partner makes, accept it as reasonable and listen. When the tone seems negative, interpret that as a signal that the request is important.

This test was developed by John Gottman, Ph.D, Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington and co-founder of The Gottman Institute and its Marriage Clinic (www.gottman.com). His latest book is The Relationship Cure (Crown).